Rostenkowski RIP

Dan Rostenkowski (January 2, 1928 - August 11, 2010) served 18 terms in Congress and 17 months in jail.

Will similar expressions be the usual summation of political careers?  I have a faint memory of a politician (Wayne Morse?) who said that he was leaving politics "unbowed and unindicted."

Bar Codes

I went into the city to watch the fireworks yesterday. The most memorable part for me was reading an article in Government Technology about Web 2.0 technology in Manor Texas (pop 5,000). (I'm not a lot of fun at parties.  To appropriate Don Rickles description of Johnny Carson: I'm the guy who sits in the corner and watches the avocado dip turn black.)  They, or rather their 23 year old CIO, Dustin Haisler, put 2-D bar codes all over town including City Hall.

Thinking that the idea might be applicable to the University I forwarded the article to two guys in web development.

It took a few minutes during which I located a 2D bar code generator/decoder (Qr-code) and then an unzipper (jZip) to unZip a rar file for me to think: "Hey!  T-shirts!"  I could have spared myself the exclamation points and thinking about commercializing it.  People were way ahead of me.  When a search engine prompts you with your brilliant idea you know the idea is past its sell by date.  From zazzle.com:

We'll see soon enough if the University already had its own 2-D bar code initiative underway.

Practical Advice from Patti Smith

There is this gem within Patti Smith's May 24, 2010 commencement address at Pratt Institute:

"I say this because you want at night to be pacing the floor because your muse is burning inside of you, because you want to do your work, because you want to finish that canvas, because you want to make that design, because you want to help your fellow man. You don't want to be pacing because you need a damn root canal." The take-home message? "Floss, you know, use salt, baking soda, get them professionally cleaned, you know, for a bit, take care of your damn teeth."

- http://www.mediabistro.com/unbeige/education/patti_smith_to_pratt_grads_be_happy_take_care_of_your_teeth_162167.asp

I saw it in the NY Times (June 21, 2010), the same article quoted Glenn Beck's address to Liberty University: "Shoot to kill."

I'll take Patti Smith.

Mother and Child are Doing Fine

One of the directors had a child a week or so ago.  The announcement ended with "Mother and child are doing fine."  That's nice, but there is some mystery here.  (She's got to be in her mid to late 40's.  Who was the father?  Did she feel her biological clock ticking a la Marisa Tomei in "My cousin Vinny"?)

It's none of my business of course, but the photos of mother and child started me thinking.  Thinking may be the wrong term.  Let's just say that the next day the thought struck me that mother and newborn child pictures could be like the photo setups in carnivals: mother and father stick their heads through a cutout.  An appropriate colored baby is inserted and there you go: the happy family's first picture.

Musing on the subject I regretted my lack of Photoshop expertise.  Just think how tiny baby fangs would look.  Or how about a little tail poking out of it's blanket - a baby Splice?

Donburi for $2.99

If there was any doubt that the suburbs have become more ethnically diverse, a recent supermarket flier should lay that to rest.

I have no idea if $2.99 for 11.29 oz of Ajinomoto Donburi is a good price, let alone what Donburi is.  (Thank goodness for the web: from www.japan-guide.com/e/e2342.html"I learned that donburi is a general term for 'bowl'.  However, it also popularly refers to a bowl of cooked rice with some other food served on top of it.")  A closer look at the ad shows a simplified oriental script beneath each description.  Kanji? Hangul/Chosongul?

Does this have ramifications?  Does it mean that the Chinatowns, Little Koreas, Little Indias in the city will lose customers as those shopping for ethnic supplies shop closer to home?  Check back in 5 years.

Forwarded Insults

I received a forwarded email from a friend (see below) entitled "When Insults Had Class‏".  I was annoyed for several reasons:

• My friend didn't have enough courtesy to remove all the other names when forwarding e-mail or to use a BCC.
• The famous poison quote between Winston Churchll and Lady Astor was probably mangled.
• All the quotes seemed to come from a single web site.  I thought it would have been more intellectually honest to include several quotes and a link to the web site with the quotes: http://msbookish.com/the-art-of-the-insult/.  
• One of my favorite quotes was mangled and mis-attributed.

 The Churchill response to Astor was probably "I would take it." or "I would eat it."  I remember Churchill's phrasing seemed odd.  Also I do not believe Astor used conjunctions.

Instead of the phrase "unspeakable disease" the original of my favorite insult was closer to "Sir, you will surely die on the gallows or of the pox." ("The pox" referred to syphilis.")  Although the exchange may have been recycled to address Disreali, the original was surely earlier.  See for example: http://www.rateitall.com/i-42795-egad-sir-i-do-not-know-whether-you-will-die-on-the-gallows-or-of-the-pox-that-will-depend-my-lord-on-whether-i-embrace-your-principles-or-your-mistress-john-wilkes-to-the-earl-of-sandwich.aspx.  (This insult was a personal favorite of mine after hearing a review of a book I thought was called, "The Art of the Insult".  I have been unable to find a book of that name.)

I found a web site which had the same text as the forwarded e-mail and asked my friend why the guy who sent him the list of insults (which is a worthy list, make no mistake about that), didn't just send the URL (http://msbookish.com/the-art-of-the-insult/).  

There are plenty of links which turn up if you search for "When Insults Had Class‏", most contain the same insults, but he one I found missing was Jack E. Leonard's "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

Of course, if one wants to be witty, there's this wonderful caution from Dorothy Parker's:

If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.

How about this?  I thought it was associated with the British politician Fox:  When a British politician was dying, one of his critics came to visit.  The critic was turned away by the houseman who explained that his master was indisposed.  When the politician was told who had come calling, he said, "If he calls again show him up.  If I am alive I will be glad to see him.  If I am dead he will be glad to see me."

And although it was probably much wittier in French, it works well in English.  Voltaire replied to a critic:  "Sir, I am in the smallest room in my house.  Your letter is before me.  It will soon be behind me."  (The translation may be inaccurate because I don't believe indoor plumbing was available in Voltaire's day.  The original might be closer to the smallest room I own, and the translation makes it more accessible to us now.  Be that as it may, I love it.)

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When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Outstand Young Man of America

One of the profs is retiring at the end of this semester after 30 years at the University. ("I've served the university 30 years - 5 years more than one gets for murder.")

One of his favorite set pieces highlights his multiple degrees: "If a couple comes to me for advice I have to ask them who they're coming to see: If they're asking me in my capacity as a rabbi they want me to keep them together. If they're asking me as a psychologist they want me to approve the decision they've already made. And, if they're asking me as a lawyer, they're asking me to make the divorce happen."  I guess he couldn't work in his rank as a Marine captain.

When I expressed surprise that he wasn't taking most of his plaques and awards he said I could have them.  If I didn't come by to pick them up they were going into the trash.  My interest, quite frankly, was in the frames, not the awards and certificates.

When I went over to get them just the other day I passed the prof in the parking lot.  "I left a knife for you on the frames - I can't take it with me on the plane and I don't think it's worth packing."  Oh, cool.  I had visions of a Bowie knife.  It turned out to be a quality folding knife.  In contrast with the fastidiousness of the instructor, there was schmutz on the blades.  I thought it odd.  It was if he had used the knife to cut an apple and neglected to wipe off the blade.  Also, one of the points was broken.  Not something I'd expect of someone so neat, fastidious really, and careful in his writing and spoken word.

Outstanding young man? I thought you'd never ask.  One of the plaques cited him as an "Outstanding Young Man of America".  I presumed it was one of those scams like "Who's Who in Floor Waxing", but no, if Wikipedia can be believe, he was in an exclusive club with some very impressive people.  Only 10 people are chosen each year.  The award was rename to Outstanding Young American several years after he was chosen.  See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Outstanding_Young_Americans.

A Camera for My Main Squeeze

An e-mail from MicroCenter advertised a very good buy on a camera which had very nice consumer reviews.  When I called My Main Squeeze to ask if she'd mind if I bought it for her, she was hesitant about carrying something which might be expensive and attractive to thieves.

Knowing my finances and my reluctance to part with money, she should have known that it couldn't be very expensive.  Still she was concerned because it would look new.  I overcome her concern by promising to reduce the camera's appeal by sticking some duct tape on it.

She's now off to a conference with a brand new camera accessorized with a patch of duct tape.  There are so many  buttons, knobs, and functional areas on the camera that need to be exposed, that I could only put a 1"x2" strip of tape on one side. 

Muscles to Smile

I wanted to quote Prairie Home Companion: It takes 41 muscles to smile, but only 4 to give them the finger.   It was a new twist on the common expression that it takes more muscles to smile than to frown and I wanted to cite the correct number of muscles.

When I turned to the web for an answer I found that the answer is actually unknown (snopes.com).    Answers.com got David H. Song of University of Chicago Hospitals to enumerate the number of muscles as 12 to smile and 11 to frown.   (In counting the muscles ("A genuine smile takes two muscles to crinkle the eyes, two to pull up the lip corners and nose, two to elevate the mouth angle, and two to pull the mouth corners sideways. Total smile: 12.")  I come up with 8.  Perhaps "lips and nose" meant two muscles each.)

The Answers.com article also pointed to the ability of human's to distinguish sincere smiles by the recognizing the small but characteristic changes to the eyes and nose in a real smile.

Snopes provided a jibe from Auburn's basketball coach, Sonny Smith, at his rival, Wimp Sanderson: Sanderson's smile led Smith to conclude that Sanderson was suffering from muscle fatigue.

My only contribution to the number of muscles to frown vs the number of muscles to smile literature is this:  "Frown: consider it an aerobic workout for your face."

Nose Job

My brother decided that a spot on my nose needed the attention of a dermatologist. I searched through my parents' phone book to find the dermatologist who looked at my nose when my father told me to have someone look at a spot on my nose. (I told my father that he could look at the spot on my nose right then for free, but he'd better hurry because the price was going up soon. He was not amused.)

That time the doctor said that it was nothing to worry about. This time the dermatologist looked at me with sorrowful eyes and said the only hope was for me to join the Tea Party and vote Republican. Seeing the tears brimming in my eyes he offered an alternative: he'd lend me a razor and the use of his tub.  For slightly more he'd lend me a gun and guide me to the men's room.

What actually happened was that he said my skin was pretty good for my age and that if I wanted he could scrape the spot off, but it wasn't necessary.  bye.  See you in October.

The Morning the Milking Was Finished

I stumbled across the article, "The Morning the Milking Was Finished" on the day it was written, February 3rd of this year. The single column article by Peter Applebome described how in the morning of January 21 Dean Pierson, 59, a dairy farmer in Copake, New York, finished the morning milking and then shot each of his 51 cows. He then killed himself.

An extension agent was quoted: “They lost money on every cow every day of every month last year.” The author probably paraphrased the family vet wrote: "Being a good farmer gave Dean Pierson a life where you worked a 15-hour day and at the end of it handed someone a $100 bill for the privilege."

When people I know complain about overwork and under paid, I usually make a comment about stoop labor or share croppers. This bleak story of a man who strained to maintain a way of life against economic pressures will be what I cite.

A Peculiar Smell

Last week I noticed a peculiar chemical odor in the air.  The smell had a hint of rubber.  It didn't seem to come from a particular direction so my first thought was something from airplanes.  On the third day I realized that it was the smell of spring. 

It's been a long time.

It Might Get Loud

On Friday night I saw "It Might Get Loud". I didn't bring my mother along explaining that rock was still not something she'd like. She responded that at her age (early 90's) movies should be entitled, "It Should be Loud".

In a memorable scene, Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) thumbs through some 45s, puts one on the turntable, and plays air guitar to Link Wray's "Rumble". As he strums his imaginary guitar, Page's smile widens and an ecstatic look spreads across his face as the distortion increases in waves.

I still marvel at the thought of Jimmy Page playing air guitar. It would make a great hard core rock trivia question.

Foreclosure of the Day

A sure sign of our time: "Foreclosure of the Day" as a feature in Newsday. Public hangings being a thing of the past, perhaps the county can post eviction notices so we can gather an gawk.

Those who stumble onto this from another part of the country may want to stop reading right now. West Hempstead is not a wealthy area. The taxes on the property are $7,430, with additional village taxes of $4,300.

Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach

I spotted a copy of the Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach by Peter Schickele as I was leaving the Systems area. "Whose is this?" I asked. With no answer I declared it mine and ran. Not really. I spent a few minutes regaling them with PDQ Bachianna: the drunk musician sprawled on the concert stage, the left-handed sewer flute, "last and least loved son", "Trance and Dental Etude", the "Unbegun Symphoney", etc. and then I ran. Finding PDQ's biography (oft cited as the long-awaited hoax) in Systems was astounding. To my knowledge only Ray reads books. His readings fall into two narrow categories: waaaaay right-wing/libertarian screeds (the last I knew his crush on Ann Coulter was unrequited and undiminished) and job-related computer security tomes. Most of the Systems guys don't read books, understandable since most of what they need to read is online. Recreational reading, if such a thing happens for Systems guys, seems confined to Cigar Aficionado, Money magazine, and Car and Driver.

Back to PDQ: Shickele's humor is sophomoric -- dead aimed at my level. It's Chicken Inspector No. 23 (SJ Perlman) humor: "One of the reviewer mentioned 'long lines at the box office,' but in all fairness it must be admitted that the lines consisted of people demanding refunds." There's the visual humor:After hearing about it for many, many years I finally got to see a picture of the legendary left-handed sewer flute, an instrument whose performance use declined with the advent of indoor plumbing.

Loose Lips Sink Career

Robert Maley, Pennsylvania's CISO (Chief Information Security Officer) was terminated after mentioning a recent incident at the early March RSA security conference. A driving school was able to circumvent security to schedule its students ahead of others in the queue.

Rules governing Pennsylvania State employees require prior approval before discussing official matters publicly, but it seems that he aired some dirty linen (2008 cross-site scripting vulnerability in a voter registration website, SQL injection attacks, etc.) and the driving school case was under active investigation. For more see the IT Knowledge Exchange and a Computer World interview with Maley.

What is Not Said

IBM stops disclosing U.S. headcount data

The headline says it all. Citing the practice of it's competitors, IBM no longer breaks out employment by country. Two stark figures appear in the article: in 2009 IBM reported 105,000 domestic works. Two years earlier (2007 for the math challenged), IBM employed 121,000 people. Slightly less than one-sixth of its work force was no longer employed by Big Blue.

I look around and wonder when my term to be RIFfed. In my mind, RIF (for Reduction In Force) is a particularly sinistereuphemism as it suggests RIP (Rest in Peace) and the thought that a "reduction in force" is an extreme prejudicial way of saying KIA (killed in action).

Alien Abduction/British Understatement

In an article entitled "Keep Calm and Never Mind, Britain Says in Its X-Files", the British Ministry of Defense is quoted as responded to an inquiry as follows:

"Abduction is a criminal offense and as such is a matter for the civil police to handle. The police can only investigate allegations of abduction if there is evidence to suggest that such a crime has taken place."

That sure clears things up.

Hip by Accident

My brother knows hip when he sees it - it's part of his job. "I hope this doesn't come as a shock," he said, "but you're wearing what hip people are wearing."

Now we both know it wasn't true, but from a distance you might be fooled.

I was wearing pants which were too short - showing a couple of inches of white socks, a flannel shirt of indeterminant age, and an over-sized sweatshirt. The pants were tight because I've put on a few pounds in the 15 or 20 years since I bought them. The truly hip buy skin tight skinny jeans. The over-sized sweatshirt was either road kill or a thrift store purchase by my main squeeze. She knows I wear enough layers in the winter to fill out the sweatshirt.

On the subject of clothing, my favorite remark was recounted by a friend who, knowing I always wanted one, bought me a tattersall vest. As she was buying it the salesman, trying to be helpful, said, "You know it's not in fashion." She replied, "He doesn't care."

Saved by the Snow

I forgot to mail in my mother's tax payment.

I remember dropping a whole bunch of mail into the local post box, but not the tax payment. I like to make sure the letter has a validating postmark. (For years I made my own local tax payment in person and getting a receipt. Only recently have I been mailing in my own tax payments, but making sure to get a postmark.)

Last night I opened a manila envelope and, Oh blast! There was the envelope for my mother's payment. Was there any way I could evade taking the rap for a late payment? Maybe the me everyone saw was a substitute from another dimension where I was trapped in a block of carbonite like Han Solo. Better yet, I selflessly volunteered to take Hans's place so he could save the Universe. It was only, now through a series of brilliantly complex actions (much too complicated to explain here) that I was able to escape back to earth. Unfortunately I got here too late to get the tax payment in on time.

OK, that was fun but stupid. I just got off the phone with the tax office. I had called to see if I could drop off my mother's check and my own check for the late payment penalty. It turned out that, because of the recent weather, the governor pushed back the payment due date for taxes until tomorrow. AllI'll need is today's postmark.

Saved by the storm. I'm a lucky guy.

Right after I click PUBLISH POST I'm off to get my mother's payment postmarked.