I received a forwarded email from a friend (see below) entitled "When Insults Had Class". I was annoyed for several reasons:
- My friend didn't have enough courtesy to remove all the other names when forwarding e-mail or to use a BCC.
- The famous poison quote between Winston Churchll and Lady Astor was probably mangled.
- All the quotes seemed to come from a single web site. I thought it would have been more intellectually honest to include several quotes and a link to the web site with the quotes: http://msbookish.com/the-art-of-the-insult/.
- One of my favorite quotes was mangled and mis-attributed.
The Churchill response to Astor was probably "I would take it." or "I would eat it." I remember Churchill's phrasing seemed odd. Also I do not believe Astor used conjunctions.
Instead of the phrase "unspeakable disease" the original of my favorite insult was closer to
"Sir, you will surely die on the gallows or of the pox." ("The pox" referred to syphilis.") Although the exchange may have been recycled to address Disreali, the original was surely earlier. See for example: http://www.rateitall.com/i-42795-egad-sir-i-do-not-know-whether-you-will-die-on-the-gallows-or-of-the-pox-that-will-depend-my-lord-on-whether-i-embrace-your-principles-or-your-mistress-john-wilkes-to-the-earl-of-sandwich.aspx. (This insult was a personal favorite of mine after hearing a review of a book I thought was called, "The Art of the Insult". I have been unable to find a book of that name.)
I found a web site which had the same text as the forwarded e-mail and asked my friend why the guy who sent him the list of insults (which is a worthy list, make no mistake about that), didn't just send the URL (http://msbookish.com/the-art-of-the-insult/).
There are plenty of links which turn up if you search for "When Insults Had Class", most contain the same insults, but he one I found missing was
Jack E. Leonard's "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Of course, if one wants to be witty, there's this wonderful caution from Dorothy Parker's:
If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
How about this? I thought it was associated with the British politician Fox: When a British politician was dying, one of his critics came to visit. The critic was turned away by the houseman who explained that his master was indisposed. When the politician was told who had come calling, he said, "If he calls again show him up. If I am alive I will be glad to see him. If I am dead he will be glad to see me."
And although it was probably much wittier in French, it works well in English. Voltaire replied to a critic: "Sir, I am in the smallest room in my house. Your letter is before me. It will soon be behind me." (The translation may be inaccurate because I don't believe indoor plumbing was available in Voltaire's day. The original might be closer to the smallest room I own, and the translation makes it more accessible to us now. Be that as it may, I love it.)
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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